The term addiction has become a much used metaphor to describe any form of self-destructive behaviour that one is unable to stop despite known and predictable adverse consequences. For some people, sexual behaviour fits that description. It involves frequent self-destructive or high risk activity that is not emotionally fulfilling, that one is ashamed of, and that one is unable to stop despite it causing repeated problems in the areas of marriage, social relationships, health, employment, finances, or the law. Just as with alcohol and other drugs, people swear of, make promises to themselves and others, only to return to the behaviour. The illness cannot be stopped on one’s own. Just as with alcoholism or drug addiction, help is needed.
Sex Addiction can involve a wide variety of practices and behaviour. Sometimes an addict has trouble with just one unwanted behaviour, sometimes with many. A large number of sex addicts say their unhealthy use of sex has been a progressive process just as with any addiction. It may have started with an addiction to masturbation, pornography, or a relationship, sex outside a primary relationship, or cruising for sex, but over the years progressed to increasingly dangerous behaviours.
Recognition that self-destructive sexual behaviour can be an addiction has seen the rapid worldwide growth of several Anonymous Fellowships for persons trying to recover from this problem. All are 12-step recovery programs patterned after Alcoholics Anonymous.
You may ask how sex can be an addiction when it is doing what comes naturally and does not involve abuse of a psychoactive substance like drugs or alcohol. The scientific argument for addiction is based, in part, on recent advances in neurochemistry that suggest we carry within us our own source of addictive chemicals. Sexual behaviour stimulates pleasure centres in the human brain and chemicals called endorphins are released into the blood stream. Endorphins are believed to be associated with the mood changes that follow sexual release. Any chemical that causes mood changes can be addictive, with repeated exposure altering brain chemistry to the point that more of the chemical is required in order to feel normal, and so cravings occur. “I need more”.
The essence of all addiction is the addicts' experience of powerlessness over a compulsive behaviour, resulting in their lives becoming unmanageable. The addict is out of control and experiences tremendous shame, pain and self-loathing. The addict may wish to stop yet repeatedly fails to do so. The unmanageability of addicts' lives can be seen in the consequences they suffer: losing relationships, difficulties with work, arrests, financial troubles, a loss of interest in things not sexual, low self-esteem and despair to the point of suicide.
Sexual preoccupation takes up tremendous amounts of energy. As this increases for the sex addict, a pattern of behaviour follows, which usually leads to acting out (for some it is flirting, downloading internet pornography (“the great accelerator” as Dr Patrick Cranes labels it, and “the crack cocaine of sex addiction” as recovering addicts name it), driving to the park to look at women/men, exhibitionism, voyeurism, using prostitutes, or multiple affairs outside a marriage. When the acting out happens, there is a denial of feelings usually followed by despair and shame or a feeling of hopelessness and confusion.
Sex addicts report that sex, however it is performed, is a fix, medication for the emotional pain, isolation, tension, or rage they feel. As Sex Addicts Anonymous report, people with sex addiction suffer from an intimacy disorder, they find it had to be open and honest, give and receive in any relationship. It must also be remembered that sex addiction is a transgender disease and can affect anyone independent of race, religious, and sexual back ground.
Compulsive or addictive sexual behaviour may take various forms, including what many regard as "normal" heterosexual behaviour. The type of sexual activity and even the frequency or number of partners is not of great significance in diagnosing this problem. Some individuals have a naturally stronger sex drive than others, and the range of human sexual activity is so broad that it is difficult to define "normal" sexual behaviour. What is significant is a pattern of self-destructive or high risk sexual behaviour that is unfulfilling and that a person is unable to stop.
Addicts and alcoholic often have found recovery from these addictive behaviours only to discover later on that they need to attend to sex addiction. There is a common thread of acting out with food and/or gambling with some people, and there is research to show that many sex addicts have experience various forms of abuse, when younger.
Recovery is possible through a 12 Step recovery process. It take courage and real willingness to go to any lengths to change the destructive patterns into healthy ones.
If you have concerns for yourself, there is a questionnaire on the next page that can offer self appraisal. Created by Dr Patrick Carnes, who is one of the founders of the sex addiction recovery process, it is a useful starting point to recovery. Family members can find support as well, and it is advisable for those wanting recovery to access a well informed counselling service.
